Friday, January 30, 2009

Tips For The Ouija Board

The Ouija board should be placed on a level surface.

Similar to caroling, find a couple friends to play.

If the planchette stalls, push and press down a little harder.

Contact spirits who spell well.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Tips For Vacuuming

If living with other people, it is best to vacuum before sleep.

Scan the carpet for large debris before vacuuming.

Most vacuum cleaners can be plugged into a normal electrical outlet.

There are times when the vacuum won't pick up something off of the carpet or floor. Power down the vacuum, bend over and manually pick up the debris. Restore power to the vacuum and continue.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Tips On How To Worry

Worrying is easy to do at home, in a car, or just about anywhere.

Sometime it may appear as if there are no worries. Stop and think; it shouldn't take long to find a worry.

Allow the worry to at least disturb sleep or cause terminal insomnia.

While worried, it is best to also have a short fuse.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Tips For The Apollo 11 Crew

The Command/Service Module is small; keep it tidy.

The Saturn V rocket at lift-off will be loud and could cause nausea.

Do not roughhouse in either the Command/Service Module or the Lunar Module.

Don't fight over who gets to walk on the moon.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Just 3 Questions - Special Monday Edition

In the J3Q hot seat is: Idi Amin (1925-2003)

1. What was the most rewarding part of being a military dictator?

2. Were you excited when the idea of a coup was mentioned?

3. When you declared yourself president of Uganda, were you concerned at all about not being taken seriously?

Tips For Saving Money

Put extra money in the bank or shoebox.

Instead of using stamps, hand deliver monthly bills.

Coupons can be used for food and non-food items.

Find a job that pays a lot of money. (This simple step will increase monthly income by 75%.)

Friday, January 23, 2009

Just 3 Questions - Special Saturday Edition

The TFTD staff has prepared three questions for a special Saturday edition of Just 3 Questions.

In the J3Q hot seat is: Walter Cronkite (1916-2005)

1. How did you break into the news business?

2. Did it take a long time to put on make-up?

3. Were you a tall man?

Tips For Chess

Similar to Battleship, chess is played on a level playing surface.

Read the game instructions on how to set up the pieces.

Use the restroom before the game starts.

In chess, cheating is not encouraged.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Tips For A Telephone Conversation

If someone else needs the phone, keep the conversation short.

During a phone conversation, don't speak too loudly or softly.

Keep the conversation going by asking a question.

A cordless phone can be taken to any room in the house.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Tips For Being A Superhero

It is not necessary to have a sidekick.

Any money accrued through superhero service is taxed at a reduced rate.

Use super powers only for good.

Fighting evil is difficult work. Once a week, set aside an hour to pamper yourself. Get a massage.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Tips For A Revolution

Similar to caroling, find enough people to take part in the revolution.

A hunger strike is a good way to attract attention to the cause. After a couple of hours, when hunger sets in, change the protest to a sit-in.

When storming a presidential palace, be certain foreign correspondents are present.

After the revolution, don't become the oppressor.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

TFTD Announces New Feature

The TFTD staff is proud to announce a new feature called Just 3 Questions(J3Q). The staff will pose three questions to a celebrity, an historical figure or a regular person. The questions themselves will not be answered as celebrities are very busy. In other cases, the person will be dead. It is our hope the questions asked will open doors for further research by the readers at home. A new J3Q will appear every Sunday night.

The first celebrity in the J3Q hot seat is Playboy publisher, Hugh Hefner.

1. Did your parents mind you started Playboy?

2. Do you ever talk to the girls in the magazine?

3. Have you ever met the actor Brad Pitt?

Thursday, January 15, 2009

'Fighting Owls' Visit TFTD Headquarters

RIDGEVIEW- The Rosedale Middle School 7th grade basketball team toured the home office of TFTD. They were being honored for both the regular season and their second place showing in the Holiday Invitational Tournament. They were greeted by senior staffer Todd Stevens and janitor Mr. Botev Chernozemski. Each player received a trophy, a medallion with #1 embossed on it, and a TFTD refrigerator magnet. The starting guard Jimmy Sommerville was absent with the same mononucleosis that plagued him during the tournament. Center Mike Stanley was also absent. Mr. Stanley was caught selling his ADHD medication to classmates. He was expelled from school and could face felony, unlawful distribution charges.
The remainder of the team was given a tour of the offices by Todd Stevens. All of the computers were on and looked very productive. Second-string guard, Billy Smith, asked if he could sit at Todd's desk and pretend to tip. We all had a good laugh. Mr. Chernozemski showed the boys how to change a vacuum cleaner bag and then we had lunch. They were a tired team at the end of the day but fun was had by all.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Tips For Scrambled Eggs

Make scrambled eggs on the stove-top.

Use eggs before the expiration date on the carton.

Scrambled eggs and toasted bread go well together.

Try applying salt and pepper to scrambled eggs.

Bonus Tip

Scrambled eggs can be eaten off of a paper or regular plate.

Tips For The Movie 'Deliverance'

A child(under 21)should only view this film if he/she is sedated.

Deliverance is probably not a good first date movie. The Notebook may be a better choice.

Plan a trip. Float down the fictional Cahulawassee River with a group of friends.

Enjoy the movie more with a bag of microwave popcorn and a cold drink.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

70's Rock Band Poll

The 'Tips' Best 70's Rock Band Poll has ended. Queen, the regal band out of London, England collected 11 votes(47%). The founding members Brian May and the mercurial Farrokh Bulsara, (Freddie Mercury) are responsible for the We Are The Champions anthem played at sports stadiums internationally. Initially, the tune was invigorating, convincing even mediocre teams that they too had a shot. During the World Series in 1980, Jim Frey, manager of the Kansas City Royals told reporters, "Everytime that song comes on, the Phillies start something." The Phillies went on to win the series in six. After countless plays, the song began to fall out of favor. It was replaced by the Rolling Stones hit Start Me Up.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Tips For Being Rude

Don't say happy birthday to a butler or servant.

Borrow a wheelbarrow from a neighbor and don't return it.(The same applies for a library book.)

Use bombastic business-speak during public cell phone calls.

If a dictator of a third-world country, arrest and hold people for no reason. (This is not only rude but also a human rights violation. If this kind of rudeness continued, the United Nations Human Rights Council could get involved.)

Saturday, January 10, 2009

'Tips' Pick City of the Week

Houston, TX is the lucky city. Houston is the fourth largest city in the U.S. It enjoys a humid, subtropical climate and is home to the Houston Wranglers(WTT). TFTD staffer Todd Stevens is very pleased with this pick as his brother-in-law's wife lived for a time in a place outside, or close to Houston. Congratulations, Houston.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Tips For Everyday

Use headphones to listen to music privately.

If a dustpan breaks, use a stiff piece of paper or cardboard.

When incarcerated, refer to the warden as sir.

Leave room for dessert.

If a neighbor buys a fancy sweater, ask how much it was and where it was purchased.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Tips For Packing A Lunch

Items for a lunch can be carried in a brown paper bag or a lunch box.

A peanut butter sandwich, a small baggie of chips, four chocolate chip cookies and a coke is a great lunch combination.

Some companies make themed lunch boxes, e.g., The Lion King, The Mod Squad or The World At War.

A thermos is a must. Most can keep liquid warm for hours. Some can keep liquid cold for hours. Read the manufacturer's instruction manual.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Tips For the Fourth Of July

Remember, the Fourth of July is on July 4th.

Wait till the evening to go see a fireworks display.

Wear light-colored, loose-fitting clothing if the heat index is high.

As a show of unity, extend a hand to a Southerner or a Northerner, depending on location.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Tips For Being A Rock Star

It is important to adopt a devil-may-care attitude.

Be overconfident or under confident.

Before a rock show, demand certain foods, served in a particular way at an exact time.

Dress in extravagant, colorful clothes.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Holiday Invitational Basketball Tournament

Ridgeview - On Saturday night, a capacity crowd jammed into the Ridgeview Community Center to see the TFTD sponsored Fighting Owls from Rosedale Middle School fall to the Patriots from Piedmont Middle School by the score of 35-42. The game was the final of the Holiday Invitational. The regionally famous tournament had to be postponed due to vandalism and an outbreak of chicken pox.
The Owls started strong. In the first quarter, their star forward, 5-foot-1, Jimmy Sommerville, scored 11 points before having to leave the game. His fitness had been in question since his latest bout of mononucleosis. The Patriots sensed a shift in momentum and seized upon it. The Owls couldn't find an answer to the man-to-man coverage the Patriots' Coach Stan Ridgeway employed. TFTD is proud of all the brave young men who took part in this storied tournament. To show our appreciation, we have invited each player to come and visit the TFTD home offices. They will have the opportunity to see the computers and fax machines that make our jobs possible.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Tips For Recycling

When operating aluminum can crushers, keep hands away from compaction zone during crushing cycle.

After dinner, store extra food in containers and keep in refrigerator.

Wear socks more than once.

When out caroling, help a homeowner carry the recycling bin to the curb.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Tips For Water Conservation In The Home

Flush toilets only one time per day.

Instead of soaking feet in water, think about taking a walk.

Turn off water in the shower before going to bed.

Buy water bottles at the grocery store to conserve water at home.